That evening when I got home Astrid was breathing very heavily; her eyes looked confused, tired and frightened. I felt in my heart it was time soon. I asked her if she was thirsty, and her eyes said 'yes' (she always had a way of opening her eyes to say 'yes' for potty/kibbles/water). So I brought a little bowl, she could not raise her head to drink, so I gave her water via a dropper - and she drank.
I got a pillow and laid with her, I told her she was a beautiful girl. I told her she was a good girl. I thanked her for sharing so many fun times with us over the past nine years. I told her it was okay, it was okay to go. I stroked her face, played with her ears an looked into her eyes. I was laying right next to her, just being 'with' her.
Her breathing was deep and heavy, it seemed as if she just could not get enough air. From what I had read, her body was shutting down. The organs were no longer running at 100%, this is why she was not able to walk without wobbling, stand for very long, and why she did not want any food. She was preparing to go.
It was very difficult, all kinds of things were running through my brain.
"Does she want me here?"
"Would she rather be alone?"
I just did not know... I had heard animals usually go to a secluded spot to pass away, but it was so difficult for me to leave her alone - her eyes looked so scared...
She had a vet appointment at 9:15 the next morning, so I decided I'd bring her into bed like the night before. I made a big comfy nest in the middle of the bed with her favorite blankets. Preparing for a nice evening snuggle.
Then I asked her if she needed to go potty, her eyes desperately said "yes!" So I picked her up and gently set her outside. Making sure she was stable, she stood on wobbly feet, and walked over and peed. But she did not squat, for the first time ever. She peed fully standing up, and it made my heart jump.
After peeing, she walked forward and sideways at the same time. She then collapsed to the ground. Her head was still up, so I figured she just ran out of energy. I ran inside to get my shoes so I could bring her in to her nest of blankets on the bed.
A couple seconds later I was walking toward her and I saw her head lay down. Then I heard it, the very deep, long inhale - followed buy a long and thorough exhale. Then silence. I knew. It had just happened.
I knelt beside her and gently called her name, she was gone. I laid my hands on her side and I could feel the warmth of her body, and a quiet vibration within. Her engine was winding down. Her little head did a couple twitches. I could not hear anything, it was totally quiet around me, the world, in that moment, was totally void of sound. The motion light had gone out, and it was just us alone, under the starry night sky in that moment. I could only hear the sound of blossoms dropping off the tree above us. It seemed like hours in that silence...
I had a mild bout of panic, I didn't know what to do. I knew she may evacuate her bowls. I knew that rigamortis would at some point set in.
I called the vet, it was after 10 PM, I got the after hours service. I was hoping to get the on call doctor to tell me what to do. They referred me to the ER. The same ER that we had just taken her to a month before. They kept me waiting for what seemed like an eternity...
I took the nest of blankets off the bed and folded them into a comfy square in the living room, and I prepared myself to go outside to get Astrid. I had lifted her hundreds of times, in my head I thought it would be similar - except this time with no wiggles or kisses.
I knelt down beside her, petting her gently, she was still warm and soft... Several flowers had fallen off the tree onto her and around her. It was peaceful and beautiful...
I was ready, I slid my hands under her to pick her up, and I walked half way across the yard and collapsed. Her lifeless body shocked me. I kneeled over her, sobbing.
I was not expecting her lifeless body to be so absent. The energy was gone. The life force had vanished, Her soul had moved on. After having a moment of awakening, I knew I had the strength to continue.I lifted her once again and carried her inside, I lay her down on her folded nest of her favorite blankets. I moved her so she looked like she was just taking a cozy nap. I laid with her. I kissed her. I talked to her. I said goodbye.
Our sweet Astrid is now a fur angel, she has crossed the rainbow bridge and is now romping in forever green grasses - with delicious treats and tons of shoes and socks to steal.
We love you our sweet princess puppy, until we meet again...
Alethea Anderson
The Boxer Blogger
Have you hugged your Boxer(s) today?
We just lost my grand fur-baby Yoko
ReplyDeleteToday. She had end stage renal disease. My heart broke as I reAd this, and my heart goes out to every person who loves their pet and must lose them. Right now, I'm crying so hard I can't catch my breath. WevWILL see our beloved babies again. And the mistreated, unwanted, unloved, will be with us also.
I wrote that above....my name is Robyn.....my heart still breaks when I read this.
ReplyDeleteOh I know your heart hurts. My Maggie has been missing 48 hours and I’m going crazy. She is 11 and I knew her time was getting close. The unknown is what’s killing me. I feel your terrible pain and sobbed horribly reading your post. They are our children. I’m so sorry
DeleteAs I sit in the swing my boxer allie is dyeing she has cancer and she is trying so hard to hold on .I brought her outside where she loved fed her a couple of bites of steak an I watch as her breathing is slow an her 2 pieces of steak are covered with flies she is only drinking water ate one peice of steak she hears me as I cry an opens hers eyes I know we are at the end of her life.i am trying so hard to be brave for her she has been my rock thru my husband's cancer an death. But now it's time to let her go with degniry an leaving me with all good memories. I fear tommorow she may be gone but the luv I have for her will give me the strength to let her go an carry on tll we meet againi have put her in the swing with me as she has always laid with me as I sit she looks at me to say don't worry I will see you at the gates of heaven (all dogs go to heaven!)
ReplyDeleteMy one is called allie too and she is also dying of kidney failure. Its heartbreaking. I can't face bringing her to the vets to be put to sleep because of tge what ifs. My shadow will be gone over the rainbow soon. 😥😥
DeleteIf you don’t mind me asking how long did your boxer do this?
ReplyDeleteMy boxer is doing the same and he is really old and has a lot of the signs of death if it’s alright I’d like to know how long your boxer acted this way too
DeleteMy 10.5 year old went to vet today. High liver levels. New heart arrthmea. Completely wore out. I cried when I read this as I know I soon will be at this point. Just hope he goes peaceful.
ReplyDeleteI hated to even have to "Google" I think my boxer is dying. My boxers name is Kami. She is 13 years old. Being a nurse I know what the active death signs are but I was unsure about dogs. I knew her time was getting close, shes an old girl, much past her prime, but still the highlight of our lives. I fear that it will be any day now. She hasnt got out of bed by herself in days. I carry her outside to potty, and give her water and nibbles. I still am unprepared. I just hope she goes easily.
ReplyDeleteReading this totally broke my heart and I cant stop crying. I'm sure to cry myself to sleep as I worry about our family dog Baby
ReplyDeletei dont know when this was posted.. but i am going thru this now with my boxer she is 14 years old i bottle fed her as a baby.. she has the hard breathing confused all the time sometimes she makes it to the bathroom others not so much she has two bad back legs ...i was reading this because my pup has also been to the vet 900 times in this year alone... they keep saying they same thing as long as she eats and drinks she will be fine shes not in pain (thank god) but i know she is hanging on for me... her and i have been soooo much together in the past 14 years she went thru 2 babies 2 break ups 2 new houses and stood by my side the entire time... i know this day is coming soon.. i just wanted to know how to prepare for it but reading this i was crying my eyes out.. so i figured there is no way to prepare for this
ReplyDeletewhy would any of you let these pets suffer? we have the ability to end their suffering. I cannot understand how anybody, knowing their dog was in end stage and suffeting, could allow this suffering to continue. I have a beautiful large Brindle Boxer AKC,
ReplyDeletea rescue, who is showing signs of hip dysplasia, as well as incontinence. if his Vet visit this week confirms my deepest fears regarding him, as much as I truly love this magnificent Angel Boy, I will have him euthanized. I will not allow a fellow creature to suffer if I am legally able to do something for him.
I fully agree with you, my 11 year old Duke just past away this past Monday and my wife and I were able to detect the signs that he was nearing the end of life. He was the healthiest Boxer that we ever had the privilege to own, but the symptoms came quite sudden starting with him just "staring into space" at times, skipping meals and wanting to go on "shorter" walks. We didn't put two and two together until a couple months later when we found him laying in remote parts of the yard behind bushes and it was at that time we knew that he was nearing the end. About a month later Big Duke stopped eating (even meat and other human food that he would normally go crazy about), he still drank water but was losing weight and just gave us "that look". He would just sleep all day and began to intermittently breathe heavily, but he was a trooper and still went outside to relieve himself or at least try to. My wife and I knew that we had to take him to the vet the next day and have him "put to sleep", we knew because we've had 4 other Boxers prior to Duke and 3 out of the four we had to have them "put to sleep". It was the most humane way to go in our opinion, and when we said our good byes to him and hugged him, he was "snoring" away from the injected anesthesia and just in total relaxation and peace. Thank you Lord for giving us 11 years of love and entertainment with Big Duke.
DeleteI had made arrangements with my vet about dozer and putting him to sleep she had agreed that when i felt the time was right she would come to my home and do it there so he could be home when the end came. He was never in pain or suffering that medicines couldnt remedy and until the day before he passed was a very active and happy dog. It was like he knew his time was short and he used up his life force on his terms and went out in a blaze instead of an ember of his former self.
DeleteMy boy Dozer passed last august 1st age 11.5 yrs. He was my copilot in my truck since he was 10 weeks old. He went with me everyday my work permitted this since i worked outside and had it so I could set him on a run where ever i went. He started to have a persistent cough soi took him to my vet (not my vet, he retired so his replacement) and since it was during the covid shutdown i was not allowed to go in withhim. The new vet took x ray and very coldly told me he had cancer and it was untreatable and estimated he had 2 weeks to 2 months tops and asked if i wanted him to euthanize him right then. All over a phone while i was in his parking lot. I just as coldly replied no thank you I'll find another vet bring my dog out now please. How cold and callus SHE was i was stunned. no, i have some bad news or any regard for how it might affect me and to ask right at me finding out my boy was dying from cancer. I was devastated but determined to make my boy's last few weeks as enjoyable for him as possible. The next day i called up a vet who retired a while ago and was my vet before the one who had just retired. She looked at the xray i had because i insisted i get a copy. And sadly confirmed the advanced stage cancer but said he had in her opinion much longer than two weeks left in him. So i made a promise to him that he would go out in style and when he was ready from that day in September he got rotisserie chicken (his favorite food) every day added in with his normal food. He knew he was being treated like royalty and milked it for everything his failing health would let him. Almost 1 full year. He was very active until the day before he passed on when he suddenly couldnt get up or eat. I knew the end was very near. I sat on the floor with his head in my lap and fell asleep leaning that way against the couch. When i woke up dozer was gone. I got up went out side and he was laying on the cool cement of the sidewalk. I called to him and he looked at me but could not get up soi picked him up and we resumed me sitting with his head in my lap. He fell asleep with me stroking his head until i again dozed off. We i awoke he had got up and went outside again. When i called to him again but my copilot had made his last flight
ReplyDeleteHe is and will be greatly missed
Dozer 2/6/2010- 8/1/2021